Oscarization

This is America, and what we do here really well is the award ceremony. There are few greater turn-ons in life than listening to the crackle of the paper as that envelope is opened, and we find out if our opinion has been validated, or in some cases, if we won our money. 

Almost every professional pursuit now has an annual awards ceremony. Some even do it more often. When I was in radio news, I occasionally had to cover local meetings of community service clubs if there were an important speaker. I went to one luncheon that included an awards ceremony, which must have lasted three hours. Every member of the organization received an award. At the end, they made the emcee leave the stage, so that they could give him one.

Even I have received a few awards (for broadcasting), so have attended more than a few ceremonies. At first, the organizations I was part of gave out relatively few awards, but then they started adding categories – in part, of course, so they could collect more contest entry fees. But that made the ceremonies longer, and in some, they allowed the recipients to give acceptance speeches – BIG mistake in a broadcasting awards event. My organizations did not use the Oscar technique of saving the biggies for the end – they did those first so the TV anchors could get back to their stations for the 11 p.m. news. I was getting a “smallie” on one particular night, so my time was close to the end, and I had to give a speech to those few remaining in the banquet hall. It was about 1 a.m., and not having much to say that hadn’t been said, I offered to take those left in the audience out for early breakfast. I had enough cash on me to cover them easily.

The Oscars, of course, are special. Tonight, I have a rather elaborate party to go to. The first thing we have to do is fill out Oscar ballots with our picks for all the categories, and we each chip in a buck to the pot, which the ballot with the most correct answers wins. This year, it’s interesting, as there are more than a few horse races. And some of the partygoers are serious – they do heavy research on this. Americans don’t like to lose—ANYTHING.

Also for this party, the guests are asked to bring a food item related to a nominated movie. In some cases, this is easy (French bread for “Les Mis”). For others, it’s hard (Canadian wine for “Argo”?). But if you need help, there’s apples for “Lincoln,” pie for “Life of Pi,” or Philly cheese steaks or crab dip for “Silver Linings Playbook” – even Raisin Bran for that one if you’re cheap. I have a relative who’s especially excited, as he’s a James Bond fan, and as “Skyfall” is nominated in several categories, he gets to mix shaken-not-stirred martinis in his very own 007 shaker. I think we’re going to be driving him home.

BTW, the food items don’t always have to be completely edible, they can be symbolic. I remember spending an afternoon gluing peas in lines to a paper plate for “The Aviator.” My wife had to construct an elaborate papier-mache chocolate dessert for “The Departed.” We also made substitutions of edible for inedible items: pate for cat food (“District 9”). I can’t remember what we did for one called “Winter’s Bone” – had to come up with something for Tennessee squirrel stew.

But don’t get me wrong. I love the Oscars. I was watching when Sasheen Littlefeather picked up one for the protesting Marlon Brando, and when someone named Bob “streaked” across the stage, and David Niven made a deliciously British remark about that fellow’s “shortcomings.”

In the end, the Oscars represent an increasingly rare phenomenon in the modern world: the true collective experience. We need to hang on to those while we can.