In Defense of Narcissism

I heard a rather remarkable interview today on NPR’s “Fresh Air.” Host Terry Gross talked to comedian Tig Notaro, whom most of us never heard of until she took the stage for her show and announced, “Good evening, hello. I have cancer! How are you?” She had just been diagnosed with cancer in both breasts, and earlier that day had decided to dump her previous plan for the evening’s show and work it around her illness.

She told Gross that she hesitated before making this decision, on the grounds that she didn’t want to offend those in her audience who might have cancer themselves or be experiencing it in their families. But finally, she concluded it was her show, and her story. So well did she do, in fact, that a much better-known comedian, Louis C.K., who was there that night, deemed it one of the greatest performances he had ever seen, and posted a recording of it to a million-plus followers. Notaro, BTW, is now doing fine medically, but only after a double mastectomy.

A Facebook friend of mine, who is about to have her first baby, started a blog about it. She, too, had hesitated on the grounds that someone else had told her it was narcissistic to write about herself this way – but she happens to be a great writer, and I’m happy she moved forward with her plan. I have other social media friends who write about themselves constantly, leaving almost nothing out, even crossing the dreaded TMI line once in a while.

Coming from a different generation – as many as two ahead of some of these folks -- I was raised differently, plus I have struggled to learn to shut up. There are personal things now that I could never discuss with anyone, much less post about them. If I ever should contract a terminal illness, I plan to tell as few people as possible, only because when you’re in that way and everyone else finds out, you have the additional task of making all of them feel better as well as yourself. Hopefully that’s a bridge I’ll never have to cross.

Nevertheless, I am very grateful for narcissists, if by that we mean people who talk or write about themselves all the time. Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual, and as human beings, whether we like it or not, we depend on narcissists to tell us how we “work.” From narcissists, we learn we’re not alone. If we’re going through something, chances are there’s a narcissist somewhere among us who has been there and done that and expressed themselves on the subject. We may not work it out the same way, but it does give us hope, and often puts a few signs on the trail for others making the journey.

Of course, it’s a question of style. Tig Notaro shared her story as a comedian. Many do it with poetry or song. But I have always deeply admired those who have thought carefully enough about their own experience to clearly articulate exactly what’s going on with them. So please, narcissists, keep it up – you have fans out there, whether they’re willing to admit it or not.

And if you’re really a narcissist, as Carly Simon might say, you probably think this post is about you – and you might be right.